Sometimes the Best Way to Reach a Scared Cat Is to Stop Reaching
In 2023, when we arrived at my parents' newly purchased house in Whitmire, SC we were living in a 37' RV with 19 cats from 6 months old to 12 years old. Only a couple days into our stay there, Annikin Einar escaped the RV. Oh the absolute state I was in. He was only a year old at the time, brand new surroundings, without his brothers (he is one of the Council). I was sure he was gone, gone, never to be recovered.
Days turned into weeks. I looked every night, sometimes even during the night, I put out my worn clothes, I put out his favorite treats. Finally, after about two weeks, I think it was, I caught clear sight of him. He was still on the property. He hadn't left!!!
I started the routine of going out every morning to put food down for him, and my latest worn clothing. Every night, the same thing. He would talk to me sometimes but was still oh so very scared. Three months of a routine. Three months of his brothers calling to him from the windows. Three months of me talking to him every time I went outside whether I knew he was there or not.
One morning in September, while John was out of state on business, and I was alone caring for everyone and everything by myself, completely overwhelmed and missing my husband, Mosheh Duncan slipped out of the house. He is one of the Council, brother to Annikin. Now two boys outside!
I hunted for hours with treats in hand calling for Annikin and Mosheh. Finally, I determined I had to go back in the house. Before I left I told both boys they needed to find one another and watch out for each other. Tears falling, I left my boys outside. That night, before storms were to settle in, I went out to where I thought I heard crying. I sat in my nightgown on the dewy grass.
At first, I talked to whichever of the cats was there. We were also feeding a couple different strays. After a bit, I just sat, legs crossed, and calmed myself. No tears. No talking. Just sitting on the ground breathing in the night air and feeling the breeze as it picked up.
Some time passed and I got up telling my boys to please come home. I went back in the house and the rain started very shortly thereafter. A few minutes into the rain and deciding to finally go to bed without my boys I walked past the front door. There outside the window was Mosheh on the front porch crying to come back in.
I shooed away the Foundling Clowder onlookers and opened the door. Mosheh came shooting in, a little damp, a little scared, and a lot relieved to finally be back home safe. Everyone sniffed him, but Nonny Runar's reaction was the most amusing. Nonny, one of the Council, kept smacking Mosheh. Auntie K later said it was Nonny yelling at Mosheh, "you made Mommy cry!!!"
Well, Annikin was still outside. I had one of my boys but the other still hadn't returned. For about a month prior to this, Annikin would come close while I was setting up his food, but never close enough for me to touch. He would cry at me like he wanted to be pet but was too scared. So, after Mosheh came in, the following days I would sit on the scorching deck away from where Annikin was eating, watching over him and talking to him.
I don't remember how many days it was after Mosheh's adventure outside, but it wasn't more than a few days when the next piece happened.
One of those mealtimes when I was sitting with Annikin, I stopped talking. I sat there gathering peace and quiet, enjoying the beauty of the property. Annikin finished what he wanted to eat and wandered close. I held out my hand and looked away. He nose-booped me then lightly touched my hand. I had to work oh so very hard not to burst. Tears quietly started to fall, and I did my best to swallow all those emotions and just sit in peace.
It took about an hour, Annikin slowly letting me pet him, then me scootching closer to the door, me opening the door some, letting his brothers sniff at him through the crack in the door, shooing them out of the way and opening the door more and more, Annikin poking his head in and looking around, and then finally, FINALLY, taking steps inside a house he had never seen. I gave him the option to go back out, but his brothers enveloped him with head butts and purrs and lots of sniffs.
I closed that back door and still worked to hold back the flood of emotions. Once Annikin was corralled back to the bedroom we were staying in, he spent about ten minutes of crouched exploration before he found a hammock bed to curl up in.
Three years later I find myself sitting in a foster room with a cautious torbie mama named Nimue and her four kittens. She is still learning she is safe, she is loved, she can trust. Her kittens are still learning the same lessons. And every time I begin to feel overeager for their trust and love, I remember Annikin.
I remember sometimes I don't need to do anything.
Sometimes I need to sit. Sometimes I need to breathe.
Sometimes I need to let the cat decide what happens next.
Every time I have needed to reach a scared cat since those days three years ago, I have worked hard to pull peace out of the situation, to quiet myself and all that is buzzing in my brain and breaking in my heart, to sit there and allow calm to fill me so maybe just maybe the cats I am trying to woo will come a little closer, trust a little more, and eventually allow me to show them the fullest extent of love waiting for them.
As humans, we have to learn, too. We talk about socialization. We talk about patience. We talk about letting the cat approach us. But we forget we are a part of that process; we have to learn. Learn to manage our fear, our impatience, our desire to love the cat fully. We have to learn to stop chasing the outcome, the storybook ending we want.
We have to learn being calm isn't the same as feeling calm. And the hardest for those of us with a rescuer's heart, we have to learn that today might not be the day the cat is ready to trust us fully.
Learning those lessons, calming ourselves and desires, and being there hand extended waiting for the cat to trust us ... the rewards are exponential. Someday soon I hope I get to share how Nimue and the kittens came to realize the human in their room is safe, loving, and just waiting to shower them with lovin's and pets. Until then, I wait. Calmly. Quietly. In their room. I let them feel secure with me at their pace, and I dream of the sweet day when they will finally let me pet them.
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how to help a scared cat trust you
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